NFL Preview and Week One

Congratulations to Serena Williams. She of 11 grand slam titles. Serena, who is in the conversation for the greatest female tennis player. For the record, Serena, it does not matter whether you said you were going to kill the Asian linesman or not. You promise to sutff the effing ball down her effing throat would accomplish the same thing. You are a HUGE liar. You don't know what you said, other players get away with this all the time. Where's a South Carolina Representative when you need one? Serena and her supporters have framed this as another case of the man keeping the minority down.

Serena appeared to pretty quickly realize how wrong she was and what damage she has done to her legacy and reputation, even showing a shard of of contrition. However, she and her supporters have made clear their position that had a white player done the same thing, they would not have been penalized. This is such an outrageous position, it is almost laughable. I have watched tennis for almost 30 years and have never, ever seen anything like this. Not even close. Even the nastiest Nastase or McEnroe tyrades never put anyone in fear for their safety. The linesman could be awarded a restraining order under the facts of this incident. Serena, an imposing physical figure, brandishing a racket, screaming and using the balls as props as she indicates her intention to have the linesman involuntarily deep throat the balls. You know what, I was clearly wrong and Serena is clearly right. That happens all the time and the players never get penalized. We all really tune into tennise for the WWE style smack talking.

I have to go and berate my cat.

NFL 2009, Week 1.

Conjuring up the minister from Spaceballs, this will have to be the short, short short version. Between children and wives with head-aches, I just don't have the time that I used to.

Here's what I know. The Steelers offensive line is piece of crap and is going to get Roethlisberger killed this year. Especially since he would rather take a 20 yard sack than throw it away and get a field goal. The Patriots defense will be attrocious. They don't have one secondary player who would guarantee himself a starting spot on another team. One young stud linebacker in Mayo. One talented underachieving linebacker in Thomas. The rest of the linebackers are question marks. They traded away Seymour leaving Ty Warren and Jarvis Green to chip in with Vince Wilfork. And, Vince, buddy, I'm beggin you. Get a spine and hold out for a contract. Does anyone else smell the knee injury coming. Vince Wilfork is playing out the 6th year of the most unfair contract ever. So unfair, that 6 year deals for rookies are no longer allowed. He is a top 3 nose tackle. And the Patriots are not going to pay him because they don't pay anybody.

That's about as far as I can go, much to my miserable chagrin. This laptop is a piece of crap, doesn't even have a word processing program and I can't type on it without my knuckles screaming like Serena after a bad call. I need to do this from my office and I unfortunately have not had time, so that leaves us with season picks and no comments. Happy happy joy joy.

Division Winners:

AFC East: Patriots
AFC North: Ravens
AFC South: Texans
AFC West: Chargers

NFC East: Giants
NFC North: Vikings (only because Favre will get injured and Sage will take over. You cannot win with Favre, he throws too many to the wrong team.
NFC South: Falcons
NFC West: Cardinals

AFC Wildcards: Steelers, Colts
NFC Wildcards: Bears, Cowboys

AFC Championship: Chargers over Ravens
NFC Championship: Vikings over Giants

Superbowl Champs: Chargers

League MVP: AP. (I know, that's going out on a limb.)

Steelers fail because of O-line. Pats lose because their defense stinks and because everyone will blitz them. They will still go at least 12-4/13-3, but will go down in the playoffs. Remember the Giants, Eagles and Ravens in the 2007 season. All of them blitzed the Pats silly and the Pats easily could have lost all three of those games. Ravens are going to be rock solid with budding star Flacco but lack the requisite firepower. Chargers finally have their year, when they will sail completely under the radar and finally get it done.

Week one picks, home team in CAPS:

ATL -4 over mia

BAL -12.5 over kc

phi -2.5 over CAR

CIN -5 over den (Josh Daniels will be fired this year and may not make it through 8 games, at 0-7)

min -3.5 over CLE (despite Favre. Minnesota will win despite Favre until he gets hurt and Sage leads them to Superbowl.

HOU -4 over nyj

jax +6.5 over IND

NO -13.5 over det

dal -4.5 over TB (Bucs should play in orange again this year, they will be that bad)

AZ -6 sf (don't fully trust coaches who show their junk to their teams during tyrades)

NYG -6.5 over was (domenik hixon, remember that name this year, he will be plaxerrific)

SEA -7.5 over stl (Spagnuolo has been coaching offers for a couple years now and he chooses St. Louis. Good luck Spags)

chi +4.5 GB (Packers and Aaron Rodgers are the two most overrated entities this year. watch them flounder. bears fly high with Cutler)

NE -11 over buf (pats have D issues but won't matter here. Would someone please tell Buffalo that when three of your offensive lineman have never taken a snap, that you are all done.)

OAK +10 over sd


Chicago is our upset special. That is all.