Saturday, September 26, 2009

RolloTomasi; NFL Week 3

Tony Romo has finally earned himself a nickname. Rolo. Inspired by the name made up by Guy Pearce’s Lt. Edmund Exley in the brilliant film “L.A. Confidential”. Rollo Tomasi is the name Exley gives to the unknown gunman who shot and killed his father. Rollo Tomasi is the one who got away with it. I’m dropping the second “L” and we are going to officially nickname Tony Romo, Tony Rolo. Yes, partly because he’s the one who gets away with. Gets away with one hideous performance after another in the only games he’s ever played in that mattered. But, more so, because he rolls over and plays dead like the dog he is.

Tony Romo is a loser. He wilts on the big stage under the lights. If there is a big game, you can count on Tony Rolo to roll over and cough that game up. For the record, this is from a Cowboys fan, but it is undeniable. Rolo is a loser. Whenever it really matters, he royally screws the pooch for his team. Often, all by himself. Let’s a take a look at his history. In each of his four years, 2006 to the present, there has been one game that has really mattered to the Cowboys, and Rolo has blown it, each and every time. He’s a bum. A piece of garbage. A snake oil salesman. He ropes you in with big plays and uncanny escapability and improvisations. But’s it all a tease, when it really matters, Rolo will blow it. Without a doubt. And we know this for sure, without question. Because he has always blown it and done it in such a dazzlingly disastrous manner, that it is painful to watch. Let’s go to his history.

In his four years, there has been one game each year that has mattered, and here they are: 2006. Takes over the team and leads them to the playoffs against Seattle. This, by the way, is by far his best performance in a meaningful game. Tony Rolo goes 17-29, 189 yards with a touchdown and no interceptions. Not bad, nothing special. However, Rolo, aka “bobble boy”, botches the hold on the would-be game winning field goal and the Cowboys lose 21-20. Big stage, big choke. Score one for Tony rolling over.

2007. Following a dominant 13-3 season and home field advantage through out the playoffs, Rolo comes out against the Giants and leads his team to 17 big points. 18-36, 201 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. QB rating:64.7. Just bad enough to lose to a team that the Cowboys massively out-gained and controlled the clock on. This was Rolo’s last playoff appearance, because here comes 2008.

Needing just two wins out of their final four games, Rolo leads the Cowboys to a 1-3 finish to miss the playoffs. 2nd to last game was against Baltimore at home. Romo completes 53.3% of his passes along with 2 TD’s and 2 INT’s in a 33-24 loss. Final week. All the Cowboys need to do is beat the Eagles in Philly. Rolo goes 21-39, 183 yards, no TD’s and one INT. Passer rating: 55.8. Eagles 44 -Cowboys 6. Ouch

The only good news for Rolo is that 2009 is not written yet. In the home opener, in front of 105,000+ crazed fans at Jerry Jones’ behemoth stadium, Rolo turns in his biggest choke ever. 13-29, 127 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT’s. All 3 INT’s led to Giant touchdowns in a 33-31 heart breaking loss. The Cowboys kicked the ever living crap out of the Giants. They ran all over them and the defense was more than holding its own. But, don’t worry Giants fans, Tony Rolo is under center. Against a secondary decimated by injuries Tony throws as many TD passes to Giants as he does to his own team. And all three INT’s lead to Giant TD’s. Rolo completed only 10 more passes to his teammates than he did to the Giants. Any other starting QB in the league would have rode his team’s dominant performance to victory. Not Rolo. It was a big game. It was a meaningful game. So we know what we are going to get from Rolo, a garbage performance. Winners win and losers lose. And then there’s Tony roll over and play dead Romo. If the game matters, you’d be better off putting Ryan Leaf back there. The Cowboys will never win with Rolo as their QB. Sure they’ll tease you and put up some big numbers and maybe even stumble into the playoffs every once in a while. But, once there, you know what’s coming. Number 9 will make sure the opponents win because he is a loser.

QB’s are judged by rings and their performance in big games. Rolo is considered a star in this league and more and more Cowboys fans are wondering why. Without exception, every single big game of his life he has rolled craps. And until he doesn’t, until he wins a meaningful game, he’ll remain a loser. As an undrafted free agent, maybe the big contract and being a starter for the Cowboys is enough. He is too damn happy. Kind of like modern day Brady. Brady used to have the fire and be a crazed helmet head butting psycho on the field and after TD’s. Now he hangs out with celebrities and has his agents shoot at the paparazzi. You need the fire to win. Brady had the fire and we’ll see if it ever comes back. Or are 3 rings, a supermodel wife and countless millions upon millions of dollars too much to overcome.

Tony Romo, you’re a dog and a loser and you make us Cowboys fans sick. You go ahead and rack up some big numbers on Monday night and try to fool us again. You won’t fool me until you win a game that matters. I’ll be waiting for that next big game, Tony, and expecting you to roll over like the dog you are. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Tony Romo era. Rolo Tomasi indeed.

Picks, last week 8-7, somehow we missed the Bal-SD game. For the season that puts us 16-14, but we’re picking it up starting this week. Home team in CAPS.

NYJ -2.5 over ten

HOU -4 over jax

Start job hunting Jack Del Rio

kc +9 over PHI

no Kolb quarterbacked teams should be giving 9 points, even to KC.

cle +14 over BAL

Mangenius, indeed. Lol.

NYG -6.5 over tb

Bet the farm on this one. Tampa is worst coached team in football with the worst talent.

DET +6.5 over was

Zorn will be joining Del Rio on unemployment soon. Lions break 19 game losing streak here.

gb -6.5 over StL

Everybody’s favorite budding superstar has two TD passes and home loss to the Bungles. Captain Overated Rodgers would be 0-2 if Cutler did not implode on Sunday night in week one.

MIN -7 over sf

Raise your hand if you hate Brett Favre. After going to 3-0 just wait to hear from everyone about Favre “playing within himself” and “managing the game”. He will bring the Vikings down before the season is over, don’t you worry.

Atl +4 over NE

Brady’s not Brady anymore. Belichick has lost his swagger. And the Patriots roster has more holes than a cheese cloth. That’s a throw out to our Food Network viewers. And I want to credit Bill Simmons for this one. The fire is gone from Belichick. How hungry and maniacal can you be after 3 rings and countless millions and undying devotion from your fans. Both Brady and Belichick. The end may be here and Bill Simmons called it.

chi -2 over SEA

Hasselbeck is as sturdy as a house built of toothpicks. I think his sister in law Elisabeth could kick his ass.

no -6 over BUF

Lots of points here, but the Bills just don’t matter.

SD -6 over mia

You can’t recover from that Monday night heartbreaker, fly cross country and compete with a legitimate team.

pit -4 over CIN

Bungles won in GB last week. What additional motivation could they possibly have? Nuff said.

den -1.5 over OAK

The AFC West is so bad it’s hard to know which was is up when they play each other. Could Josh McDaniels really be 3-0?

AZ -2.5 over ind

Kudos to the league’s best wide receiver making clear he would rather have balls thrown his way than win. Thanks twitter and brother Fitzgerald.

DAL -9 over car

This is where Tony “Rolo Tomasi” shines. In the game that doesn’t matter. Monday night. Dreadful Delhomme. For the record, if Delhomme had quarterbacked the Cowboys on Sunday night versus the Giants, the ‘Boys would have won.

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