Saturday, January 10, 2015

Divisional Playoffs, 01/10/2015

ravens +7 PATS

Upset special.  There is no way the Ravens should win this game.  Patriots defense has been stellar and is finally filled with horses on the back end.  And Gronkowski is the single most undefensible player ever when right, which he certainly is at present.  I just can't shake the feeling that the Ravens of one of the few teams that gets how to defense the Patriots.  Apply pressure from outside without blitzing while pushing middle of pocket with the big guys.  And cover everything within 12 yards, in particular packing the middle.  Brady makes the vast, vast majority of his throws and yards on passes less than 10 yards and the teams that have stopped them have largely crowded the middle and covered short.  If Brady beats you deep, you tip your cap and move on.  And Brandon Browner is going to be a penalty machine.  He's a horrific match up against any Raven receiver.  If he covers tight end, that would seem to leave Patriots one corner short to cover three good receivers.  Ravens 27-24.  

car +12.5 SEA

Seattle is getting too much respect for their recent six game run of defensive dominance.  The QB's were a tad suspect in that six game stretch.  How bad?  How about the Cardinals twice, the Rams, the Bears and the dysfunctional playing out the string 49ers twice.  Not impressed.  With Harvin gone, Lynch aside, this is a severely undergunned offense.  This will give them problems against either Dallas or Green Bay, who can both score.  Absent Defensive TD's, the Seahawks do not have enough offensive fire power to go all the way.  Carolina staying competitive presumes that Newton will be throwing less balls in the dirt than last week.  Tough defense and SEA's offensive limitations will keep this under the number.   SEA 20-10

dal +5.5 GB

Perfect team to beat Rogers at perfect time, when he's not 100%.  Cowboys can and will run all over GB and use endless pass game weapons at their leisure.  Packers will score, but not enough, even if Rogers makes it through game, which I doubt, this will be Dallas coming out party.  Rogers is just too likely to try to make plays with his legs based on his natural instincts and aggravate his injury.  Even if he survives game, Cowboys will control clock and put up too many points. dal 37-30

DEN -7 ind

Indianapolis is not a grown up football team.  Their run offense and defense are both complete jokes.  No problem for Denver here.  DEN 34-24.  Late score by Colts to make it that close.  

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Wildcard Weekend 2011

Yeah, it's been a whole year. Just look how prophetic I am. 3-1 in my 2010 Wildcard picks and spent a good couple paragraphs essentially expressing that Ben Roethlisberger is a frickin moron of epic proportions. Thank you for proving me 100% right, Big Fraud. Maybe he should have gone with the post concussion defense for his nightclub "activities". Ben Roethlisberger makes those of us without daughters happy to only have boys. Thanks again, Ben. Like parents with college aged daughters didn't have enough to worry about.

saints -10 over SEAHAWKS

The Seehawks are beyond awful. The worst playoff team in history. No offensive weapons, below average defense and either no QB or the arthritic artist formerly known as Matt Hasselbeck. Loudest stadium, top 2 RB's gone for the Saints, don't matter. Drew Brees ain't bothered by noise, please. And once it's 17-0 or so, it won't be real loud. Kudos to Pete "ra-ra" Carroll, but his cupboard is bare.

Saints 37-13

ny jets +2.5 over COLTS

Sorry, Peyton, you just don't have the talent to pull this off. You'll make a valiant effort, throw some ridiculous passes, but this is the least talented team you've had in your 10 year playoff run. No way, not with this cast. Jets were built for this game. Couple picks are inevitable. And the Jets will score, with some big pass plays with the Colts stacked up to stop the run.

Jets 34-23

Ravens -3 over CHIEFS

Chiefs are getting there, but they ain't there. The Raiders man-handled them. If the Ravens can over-come John Harbaugh's crazily conservative offense, they've got something. Maybe Harbaugh will be a little more aggressive now that his brother makes a lot more money than him. Not that it matters in this game.

Ravens 31-13.

EAGLES -3 over packers

Another theme from last year that we are sticking with is Aaron Rodgers being a loser. He almost drove the Packers right out of playoffs putting up absolutely nothing at home against the Bears in the win or go home finale. Until he wins a meaningful game, he remains a loser. I'll even take a banged up Vick, that shakey Iggles defense and their wacky coach giving three points. Expect Rodgers to do what he does when it matters, throw the big INT or fumble the game away, ah la 1 year ago agaisnt the Cardinals. He's lost every game that's ever mattered in his career. He is a fantasy football stud, and a loser when it matters. He's the polar opposite of 2001 Tom Brady, and you don't want to be polar opposite of any kind of Tom Brady, at least as far as football is concerned.

This is Vick's year if he is not too hobbled and doesn't get too crunched today, he will triumph. The attention paid to him opens huge gaps for McCoy, and with his weapons, he can be unstoppable. Just ask Tom "I almost beat the crap out of my punter on live tv" Coughlin.

Eagles 38-30

Saturday, January 9, 2010

NFL Wildcard Weekend (Yeehaa!)

Too busy to blog most of the season, but we’re back for the playoffs. We are most sad, because Ben "the Big Fraud" Roethlisberger did not make it into the playoffs to provide more fun. In BF’s first year without a dominant offensive line and defense, he misses the playoffs. What a shame. He has enjoyed one of the most charmed NFL career’s in history with a historically dominant O-line, running game and defense. All of that was gone once Polamalu went down this season. And what did we get, abject mediocrity. I have to get my Fraud bashing in here because we are only one or two more concussions away from his career being over. Concussions are cumulative, deal with it. And the Fraud, rocket scientist that he is, started the downhill slide by wrapping his head around metal in his helmetless motorcycle accident. Genius, pure genius. So you’ll forgive if I gotta take a bite out of the Fraud, because he’ll only be here another couple years at most to kick around.

On to the Playoffs. I have to start with the chosen one, Saint Aaron Rodgers. Adored and lusted after my the media. A trendy pre-season MVP pick. The helmsman of the trendy Superbowl pick out of the 5 seed. Winners of 7 of their last 8. Remember these two things about Aaron Rodgers: His career record: 17-15. His career record in games that really matter 0-3. (The two Favre games and the Steelers game). That 7-1 streak to end the season started with an impressive Defense-driven victory over Dallas in which the ‘Boys were shut out until the final seconds. Other than that, they had a solid win at home against the Ravens. The rest of it, wins against the 49ers, Lions, Bears, Seahawks and a determined to lose bunch of third string Cardinals. Also in there, the loss to the Steelers which could have allowed the Packers to compete for the division.

Winners win and losers lose. Aaron Rodgers is a loser, and you will see it on Sunday afternoon at Arizona. Filled with boy like giddiness from his week 17 trouncing of the Cardinals and the never ending supply of sexual favors from the media, St. Rodgers will go out there with all the confidence in the world. Until he realizes that his team is behind and he needs to lead the comeback. Then he will be torn. How can he take sacks to preserve his passer rating and strive for victory at the same time. Facing a proven Superbowl winner and playoff battle tested Cardinals team, who have the luxury of a second straight year of "nobody believes in us" positive Karma, watch out.

The Packers will lose this game because their Quaterback is a loser. A media created giant among men. His huberus cannot help but be inflated by the media love-fest. He is the opposite of Tony Romo. Everyone has been dumping on Romo ever since he landed the starting job. He has failed and failed again and in response has worked harder and harder. Aaron has never succeeded professionally, but has never been critiqued. How hot can his fire burn when he has been anointed without accomplishment?

You saw it here and only here with every fool with a word processor from here to eternity picking the Packers. The Cardinals will not only win, but you will see St. Rodgers do his thing, lose on the big stage. But I promise you this. You will not get any critique or questioning of the Saint. After he blows it, the analysis will be "great learning experience" / "he’ll grow from this" / "he’ll be back" / "won’t be long before we see him in the Superbowl" etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum, ad nauseum.

Cardinals 30-20

The Patriots. What to make out of those head scratching Patriots. So hard to figure. I will have to channel my inner Dennis Green and conclude that "they are who we thought they were". A team with an 8-0 home record in 2009. Paired with a 1-6 road record. (Beating the Bucs in London does not count). Brady had a deceiving season with 28 TD’s, 13 INT’s and a hair under 4400 yards. The deception: 10 of those TD’s in routs over the Titans (who entirely quit in the snow) and the Jags (who didn’t seem to know why they were there in the first place). Throw those out and in Brady’s other 14 games, in which the Pats went 8-6, he was threw for an utterly mediocre 18 TD’s and 13 INT’s.

It is not humanly possible for Brady and Belichick to have the fire they had when they were who they used to be. Brady, the no name sixth round draft pick that nobody wanted. Belichick, the guy who could only win under Parcells and was a failure on his own. These guys had something to prove, chips on their respective shoulders. Belichick lived in his office, devising staggering defensive schemes that turned Peyton Manning into quivering jelly. (Side note that I have never heard anyone say before. Manning had years of losses to the Patriots and playoff anguish. Having seen everything conceivable from the Belichick the motivated, Peyton learned and processed it all. Now, there is nothing that can be thrown at him that he does not instantly analyze properly. Belichick helped make the beast that is Peyton today)

No more 18 hour work days from Billy. A reduced fire from Brady. And before you Patriot yahoos take up the pitchforks, riddle me this: How can the 2010 Tom Brady even be compared, in terms of fire and having something to prove, to the 2001 Brady. Nevermind the same person, they are not even the same species. The jubilant kid happily and honestly wanting to share his first SB MVP truck with the team calling it a "team truck". He used to be a maniac, running around like a hepped up psycho in pregame intros and after scores. He was poor, (relatively speaking) young and hungry.

Now he’s a multi-millionaire, married to a woman who makes 5 times as much money as he does and has much greater career longevity, and a three time Superbowl winner. What does Tom have to be hungry about now? He can never catch Peyton as the greatest of all time any longer. Peyton is getting better and Brady is getting worse. And don’t give me the knee injury. Peyton stunk for 7 games after his and then went 12-0 and won the Superbowl. Brady, continues to tread water while mired in mediocrity and developing a penchant for throwing 4th quarter interceptions. Just how hungry can Brady be, as he drives his home valued car back to his island valued home (take your pick of which)?

This is the same guy, who after knocking up former girl friend, said that he did not want to get married until the twilight of his career, late 30's. Instead he marries the Brazilian supermodel a matter of months after using this as his excuse to dump knocked up girlfriend. Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe Brady really meant it and knows now is the twilight of his career, so he decided to settle down. This won’t happen. He will keep coming back. Keep playing ok. Absent Donte Stallworth, this was essentially the same offense that broke every record in 2007. What was different? Only Brady’s performance. Mediocre. No more, no less. Unless he’s padding his stats in a snow game that the other team quit in. Then he really lights it up.

And remember, Belichick is not the same guy either. No longer in his early fifties, but just about sixty. No longer avoiding his wife by sleeping in his office. No longer with anything to prove. I don’t want to raise the Spygate flag again, but I have to make this point. Since being caught for cheating (it is what it is, Billy, you’ve taught us that over the years) the Patriots have 2 playoff victories, both in 2007. Against the worthless Jaguars and eeking one out against a Chargers team more injured than Eric Idle in European Vacation. Then, of course, they racked up a big 14 points in the Superbowl loss to the Giants. (Remember Brady on media day for that Superbowl. Laughing his ass off and saying "is Plaxico playing defense?" in response to Plax’s prediction of a Giants victory that was stunningly close to the actual store. The smugness was staggering. This is the difference between 2001-2004 Brady and the celebrity QB that now lives there. Old Brady would have said we do our talking on the field, or we’ll have to see kind of thing. Not get all smug, arrogant and condescending.) Also, remember, that since Spygate the Pats have been consistently out-adjusted after half time. Makes you wonder.

Ravens easily could have won week 3 at Foxborough without a dropped pass. The Patriot loss will be the final removed brick that will expose the collapse of the dynasty that has been dead for years.

Conventional wisdom says that the Patriots, undefeated team at home this season, undefeated at home in the playoffs with Brady and Belichick, will win this game against the Ravens. I just don’t see it. The fallacy of the dynasty will finally de destroyed. Harbaugh is hungry, Flacco is hungry, and you know Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are hungry. The fat-cats on the other side of the field, I’m not so sure. I know they’re hungry, but not hungry like they used to be, and certainly not hungry like the wolf. Nuff said.

Ravens 27-19

Bill Simmons raised the possibility that the Eagles were playing possum last week against he Cowboys in not wanting to tip their hand for the rematch. Now, I love the Sports Guy, but I think the Sports Gal may be feeding him crack in his Corn Flakes. The Eagles would have had a 1st round bye, an overall 2 seed and only would have seen the Cowboys again in the NFC championship game. This is pure nonsense. Not one of his brightest thoughts, but I do love the "Big Book of Basketball", so there. I just got up to Dominique in the Pyramid and then watched the Hawks beat the Celtics, so I think this is somehow Bill’s fault.

If the Eagles had, in fact, played possum, then Andy Reid’s brain must have been switched with that of a possum. Eagles wanted to win, without a doubt. The Cowboys, who have been as talented, if not more talented, than any team in the NFL for the past three years, are finally playing like it.

They lose a tight one at home to San Diego, everyone’s consensus pick for best team, and then beat New Orleans in the Big Easy, Washington and Philly (playing with everything on the line), the last two by shut outs. They can pressure the QB, cover and stop the run on defense. They have a dominant running game and QB playing as well as anyone. A receiver who has taken the leap. If they can reign in their demons: penalties, coaching blunders and turnovers, they will be in the Superbowl. People can dish all they want on Jerry Jones, but his personnel team have put together a juggernaut.

The Eagles did not blitz at all in week 17, so expect the kitchen sink to come out this week. Don’t expect it. Bet on it, even your first born. Eagles got killed not blitzing and have had success in the past blitzing Romo. Unfortunately for the Eagles, Romo and Garrett know this and will be ready for this. Watch for some huge plays on draws and screens, as well as hot reads. I even see Roy E. Williams breaking loose for a big one. The E. stands for "Egadds" by the way.

This is not the start, but the continuation of something special.

Cowboys 38-17

I gotta keep the Jets Bengals short because I am out of time. Mark Sanchez stinks like cat piss. Everyone seems to think week 17's Jet thrashing of the Bengals means something. It doesn’t and you should know better. Sure the Bengals played almost everybody and got thrashed. But they had one very important participant wholly absent that day. Emotion. Football is all about energy and emotion. You can’t play a game that means nothing to you against a team that is playing for their playoff lives at home. You can play it. But, you ain’t going to win it.

How to beat the Jets: Put 9 guys in the box (Screw 8) and dare the Sanchize to beat you. He may get a play or even a score out to Braylon, but he stinks. And the more he throws the more the Jets stink. Sexy Rexy knows this. The Jets know it. The Bengals know it. Everyone seems to know it except every talking head giving the Jets the victory.

Rookie coach. Rookie QB, who stinks by the way. How bad you ask? 63.0 QB rating. 53.8% completion percentage. 12 TD’s and 20 INT’s. In the last 7 games he has played, he has 4 TD’s and 10 INT’s. And ZERO quality wins.

In the Jets ultra impressive 5-1 finish: Panthers, Bills, Buccaneers and the white flag waiving Colts and Bengals (while losing to the Falcons). Their QB averaged 107.6 passing yards per game in those 5 wins. No really, that’s not a typo. You can’t win on the road with a crappy QB and no passing game. You just can’t. Someone should tell Sexy Rexy that it is not 1985 anymore. With the rule changes and their ultra mediocre offense and sub-par passing game, the 1985 Bears would not win a Superbowl today. You need to be able to pass and score, among other things, to win today. And the Bears passing game was mediocre at best. They would be a force, but they would not win today, as previously constructed in 1985. And if the Bears couldn’t do it, these Jets are certainly not going to do it.

The media has provided plenty of "nobody believes in us" fodder for the Bengals and they will use it to their advantage, not that they need to because they are facing the only starting NFL QB who can fairly be compared to Jamarcus Russell.

Bengals 23-10

Sunday, October 11, 2009

NFL Week 5 and more

Sox are done. Congrats to MLB for having the most moronic schedule ever. Sox Angels played the first two games of their series with first pitch at 6:37 pm Pacific time. Now, after the cross country trip following the Sox doing their Tony Romo at the plate impression (aka, rolling over and playing dead) in the first two games, game three has first pitch scheduled for 9:07 am, Pacific time. That's not a typo, 9 am, on the west coast. 12:07 pm on the east coast. That's so early that Terry Bradshaw won't even have had a chance to say something stupid.

The MLB playoff scheduling is more and more foolish each year. Combine that with today's kids' 0.37 sec attention span and 4+ hour games, and you will have no fans once us oldies die off. Good job MLB. I heard Bud Selig interviewed recently on Boston radio/tv and he had the gaul to respond to questions about the "steroid era" with incredulity. Astonishing. The steroid era, which I consider to be his baby, was cultivated on his watch. With juiced up roid ragers Sosa and McGwire hitting moon shots night after night, his ratings returning, the credibility of his sport being forever tarnished, he beamed. He's a despicable fellow. The incredulity of the "commish" at even the very concept of the steroid era, and he was incredulous with a straight face, is the most stunning falsehood I have ever witnessed. Well, maybe that or a sitting president saying that a $900 billion health care bill will not add one penny to the deficit with a straight face. We try to stay out of politics here, and at risk of losing one half of my readers, no matter which side of the fence you are on, no one can really believes that, not even him.

Yes, Selig the despicable, good job. The Angels fans need to be in front of the tv's at 9:00 am, but the next game today does not have first pitch scheduled for 7 hours later. Maybe a 4pm east coast start, ya think? Idiota. Didn't have time to blog it, so can't call myself prophetic, but this sox team was never going anywhere because they can't hit good pitching and they haven't hit it all year. Ortiz might as well be out there with a toothpick. Mike Lowell looks in so much pain moving around that it makes me feel young. Ellsbury is showing his true colors. The studs, Pedroia and Youkilis, are nowhere to be found. Jason Bay is a fraud. JD Drew reminds of Generation Text, what I call the youths today. Do just enough to earn your paycheck, no more.

Sox are done cause they are old and in part, not that it would matter, but because Terry does not have the stones to bench the artist formerly known as David Ortiz. If you would ever doubt whether he would, read my "Franconomics" blog from a year or so ago. Terry will always "stand by his man", Tammy Wynette style. Don't be shocked to see the Sox take game 3, although I don't see it, due to the ridiculous proposition of having the Angels on the field during breakfast time. But, it's over. If they can wipe the sleepies out of their eyes, they will tattoo Bucholz, which I am too lazy to make sure I am spelling correctly. Good move by the way, Terry, skipping Dice-K for game 4. He was only your best September pitcher, a notorious big game stud, and oh by the way, was 18-3 with a 2.90 ERA. I hope the Sox trade him because they treat poor Dice-K like a lepher with swine flu. Much better to have fatigued Lester and Beckett in games 4 and 5, not that you'll make it there anyways. They were so dominant on full rest.

On to the NFL. My two running themes that will continue until I am proven wrong. Aaron Rodgers, ultra trendy preseason MVP pick, continues to underwhelm week after week. Career record, 8-12. With the team that old man Favreau took to the championship game. He's not a winner. But, he will get less and less guff from me each week as Tony "roll over and play dead" Romo / Rolo Tomase continues to show that he is an unabashed and unquestionable gutless, worthless and heartless loser. A piece of garbage. The Cowboys are 2-2 and are 4th in the NFL in offense. Yet, they scored 10 points in Denver last week where Tony single handedly cost the 'Boys their second loss of the season. He's terrified out there and now playing scared, never a good thing. He's completing under 60%, passer rating under 80, has four picks, and a lost fumble and Tony doesn't just committ your average turnover. Tony turns it over, the other team scores touchdowns. He is absolutely killing his team. His team, with a massive Hogs-esque offensive line, are churning up the running yards. The D is holding its own, but Romo is ripping the heart and spirit out of his team. And what has happened to Demarcus Ware? 20 sacks last year and none this year. Nothing will heal that problem like a KC offense.

Tony, you piece of garbage, you make me sick and you are killing the 'Boys. And he is getting less and less accurate each week. I predict that by season's end Romo will have Marsha Brady-ed some poor cheer leader's nose. It's really getting that bad. You heard it here.

32-28, yes our picks stink this year. Home team in CAPS.

min -10 over STL. I know I say it every week, but come on. The Rams, really Spags, that was your choice? Really?

dal -7.5 over KC Even Romo the piece of garbage can't blow it against this team, or can he?

was +4 over CAR I want to know what the ratings for this game on Monday night would be. Who's worserer? (yes I know it's not a word) Romo, Delhomme, or Campbell? I'm officially pining for a Romo for Orton trade. He's the perfect QB for the Boys. You know, doesn't kill a talented team surrounding him, wins, and isn't a sack of crap. How'd I get on Romo again, dammit?

PHI - 15.5 over tb Raheem Morris, come on over and join Romo in the sack of crab section

NYG - 15 over oak OK, Russell is worse than Romo. He's the single worst starting QB ever. Cable must have transferred his QB frustration onto that assistant coach that he gave the Chris Brown treatment to.

BUF -6 over cle I don't get the Bills. 38-7 egg against Chad Henne's first start. But I can't pick a team that has more grievances filed against their coach than scores.

BAL -8.5 over cin Bengals pay for the Ravens' dropped pass on 4th down that was leading to the winning drive over the Pats last week.

pit -10.5 over DET Culpepper is starting. Nuff said.

atl +2.5 over SF Still don't believe in the niners.

ne - 3 over DEN Finally, Denver gets exposed. Brady goes off in the hoodie bowl.

hou +5.5 over AZ Because I like looking stupid each week after picking the Texans.

SEA -1 over jax Matt "my sister in law is more sturdy than me" Hasselback back for a few plays at least.

ind -3.5 over TEN Manning is "en fuego". Yes, I'm old.

nyj - 1.5 over MIA This should be really interesting. Wildcatting fins against the crazed Jets' D.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Tony Romo the Loser

Tony Romo is a complete piece of garbage. A sack of crap. I hope he gets hit by a bus and is uninjured, but unable to ever play again. It hurts when you're hoping for Jon Kitna. Single handedly leading his team to a loss against the massively undertalented Broncos.

Week 4

25-21 through three weeks with a couple missed games. Blame the editor. No time when you are sitting down at 12:34 to write for week 4. Busy busy.

Quick thoughts. Jets D with top two corners down will get torched indoors in New Orleans. Wouldn't be my blog if I didn't spend a few seconds pointing out that Aaron Rodgers sucks ass. Everybody's trendy MVP pick goes to 2-2 this week. His two wins, by the way came against Jay Cutlers 27 INT game and the Rams. He's a Fraud. Steelers go to 1-3 because their O-line stinks and Ben remains the Big Fraud. Ain't so special without a dominant O-line and killer running game are you Benny?

Romo, oh, I'm sorry, I meant Tony "roll over and play dead when it matters" Romo, aka Rolo's implosion on Jerry's stadium opening night may be a blessing disguise. His putrid performance in big games has tricked their sub-idiotic coaching staff to realize: "Hey, we've got a massive, strong O-line and 3 front line running backs (ok 1 and half this week with injuries), why don't we just run all over people." Denver gets exposed as fraudulent beneficiaries of their wussy schedule. Cowboys over 7 yards per carry. Just spice in Rolo throws here and there and they'll be fine. Run the ball, idiots.

That's all the time I have. Picks, home team in CAPS:

HOU -8.5 over oak

ten -3 over JAX

NE -1.5 over bal Brady finally with all weapons will beat the blitz this week.

cin -6 over CLE Browns fan should get some heroin, a spoon, needle, lighter and ease their pain. Don't do drugs kids, this is an adult blog. Don't take everything so literally.

nyg -8.5 over KC Was Pioli just riding Belichick's coattails all these years with Billy making all the big decisions? Hmmmm.

det +9.5 over CHI Just a cover, let's not get crazy,

WAS -7.5 over tb Don't hire unexperienced teens to coach your team and have him fire the offensive coordinator days before the season and leave $100 billion of unspent cap room. Just sad.

IND -10 over sea Manning in league of his own at moment.

NO -7.5 over nyj Brees is SO tough indoors and Jets are missing two of top three corners.

buf +1 over MIA Over under on wildcat with Chad Henne as starter? 20. Bet the over, why not? And how bout Ronnie Brown mixes in a throw, they've been setting this up for weeks.

SF -9 over stl The Rams, Spags, really? That was your choice?

dal -3 over DEN Another 200+ rushing yards for the 'Boys and the Broncos get exposed now that they're finally playing a pro team. Granted Bungles can play this year, but Broncos crazy last play fluked em. Boys by 20+.

sd +6 over PIT Straight up win for Chargers. Steelers are done and the Big Fraud is finally exposed.

MIN -4 over gb Aaron Rodgers, where'd all that MVP talk go?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

RolloTomasi; NFL Week 3

Tony Romo has finally earned himself a nickname. Rolo. Inspired by the name made up by Guy Pearce’s Lt. Edmund Exley in the brilliant film “L.A. Confidential”. Rollo Tomasi is the name Exley gives to the unknown gunman who shot and killed his father. Rollo Tomasi is the one who got away with it. I’m dropping the second “L” and we are going to officially nickname Tony Romo, Tony Rolo. Yes, partly because he’s the one who gets away with. Gets away with one hideous performance after another in the only games he’s ever played in that mattered. But, more so, because he rolls over and plays dead like the dog he is.

Tony Romo is a loser. He wilts on the big stage under the lights. If there is a big game, you can count on Tony Rolo to roll over and cough that game up. For the record, this is from a Cowboys fan, but it is undeniable. Rolo is a loser. Whenever it really matters, he royally screws the pooch for his team. Often, all by himself. Let’s a take a look at his history. In each of his four years, 2006 to the present, there has been one game that has really mattered to the Cowboys, and Rolo has blown it, each and every time. He’s a bum. A piece of garbage. A snake oil salesman. He ropes you in with big plays and uncanny escapability and improvisations. But’s it all a tease, when it really matters, Rolo will blow it. Without a doubt. And we know this for sure, without question. Because he has always blown it and done it in such a dazzlingly disastrous manner, that it is painful to watch. Let’s go to his history.

In his four years, there has been one game each year that has mattered, and here they are: 2006. Takes over the team and leads them to the playoffs against Seattle. This, by the way, is by far his best performance in a meaningful game. Tony Rolo goes 17-29, 189 yards with a touchdown and no interceptions. Not bad, nothing special. However, Rolo, aka “bobble boy”, botches the hold on the would-be game winning field goal and the Cowboys lose 21-20. Big stage, big choke. Score one for Tony rolling over.

2007. Following a dominant 13-3 season and home field advantage through out the playoffs, Rolo comes out against the Giants and leads his team to 17 big points. 18-36, 201 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. QB rating:64.7. Just bad enough to lose to a team that the Cowboys massively out-gained and controlled the clock on. This was Rolo’s last playoff appearance, because here comes 2008.

Needing just two wins out of their final four games, Rolo leads the Cowboys to a 1-3 finish to miss the playoffs. 2nd to last game was against Baltimore at home. Romo completes 53.3% of his passes along with 2 TD’s and 2 INT’s in a 33-24 loss. Final week. All the Cowboys need to do is beat the Eagles in Philly. Rolo goes 21-39, 183 yards, no TD’s and one INT. Passer rating: 55.8. Eagles 44 -Cowboys 6. Ouch

The only good news for Rolo is that 2009 is not written yet. In the home opener, in front of 105,000+ crazed fans at Jerry Jones’ behemoth stadium, Rolo turns in his biggest choke ever. 13-29, 127 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT’s. All 3 INT’s led to Giant touchdowns in a 33-31 heart breaking loss. The Cowboys kicked the ever living crap out of the Giants. They ran all over them and the defense was more than holding its own. But, don’t worry Giants fans, Tony Rolo is under center. Against a secondary decimated by injuries Tony throws as many TD passes to Giants as he does to his own team. And all three INT’s lead to Giant TD’s. Rolo completed only 10 more passes to his teammates than he did to the Giants. Any other starting QB in the league would have rode his team’s dominant performance to victory. Not Rolo. It was a big game. It was a meaningful game. So we know what we are going to get from Rolo, a garbage performance. Winners win and losers lose. And then there’s Tony roll over and play dead Romo. If the game matters, you’d be better off putting Ryan Leaf back there. The Cowboys will never win with Rolo as their QB. Sure they’ll tease you and put up some big numbers and maybe even stumble into the playoffs every once in a while. But, once there, you know what’s coming. Number 9 will make sure the opponents win because he is a loser.

QB’s are judged by rings and their performance in big games. Rolo is considered a star in this league and more and more Cowboys fans are wondering why. Without exception, every single big game of his life he has rolled craps. And until he doesn’t, until he wins a meaningful game, he’ll remain a loser. As an undrafted free agent, maybe the big contract and being a starter for the Cowboys is enough. He is too damn happy. Kind of like modern day Brady. Brady used to have the fire and be a crazed helmet head butting psycho on the field and after TD’s. Now he hangs out with celebrities and has his agents shoot at the paparazzi. You need the fire to win. Brady had the fire and we’ll see if it ever comes back. Or are 3 rings, a supermodel wife and countless millions upon millions of dollars too much to overcome.

Tony Romo, you’re a dog and a loser and you make us Cowboys fans sick. You go ahead and rack up some big numbers on Monday night and try to fool us again. You won’t fool me until you win a game that matters. I’ll be waiting for that next big game, Tony, and expecting you to roll over like the dog you are. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Tony Romo era. Rolo Tomasi indeed.

Picks, last week 8-7, somehow we missed the Bal-SD game. For the season that puts us 16-14, but we’re picking it up starting this week. Home team in CAPS.

NYJ -2.5 over ten

HOU -4 over jax

Start job hunting Jack Del Rio

kc +9 over PHI

no Kolb quarterbacked teams should be giving 9 points, even to KC.

cle +14 over BAL

Mangenius, indeed. Lol.

NYG -6.5 over tb

Bet the farm on this one. Tampa is worst coached team in football with the worst talent.

DET +6.5 over was

Zorn will be joining Del Rio on unemployment soon. Lions break 19 game losing streak here.

gb -6.5 over StL

Everybody’s favorite budding superstar has two TD passes and home loss to the Bungles. Captain Overated Rodgers would be 0-2 if Cutler did not implode on Sunday night in week one.

MIN -7 over sf

Raise your hand if you hate Brett Favre. After going to 3-0 just wait to hear from everyone about Favre “playing within himself” and “managing the game”. He will bring the Vikings down before the season is over, don’t you worry.

Atl +4 over NE

Brady’s not Brady anymore. Belichick has lost his swagger. And the Patriots roster has more holes than a cheese cloth. That’s a throw out to our Food Network viewers. And I want to credit Bill Simmons for this one. The fire is gone from Belichick. How hungry and maniacal can you be after 3 rings and countless millions and undying devotion from your fans. Both Brady and Belichick. The end may be here and Bill Simmons called it.

chi -2 over SEA

Hasselbeck is as sturdy as a house built of toothpicks. I think his sister in law Elisabeth could kick his ass.

no -6 over BUF

Lots of points here, but the Bills just don’t matter.

SD -6 over mia

You can’t recover from that Monday night heartbreaker, fly cross country and compete with a legitimate team.

pit -4 over CIN

Bungles won in GB last week. What additional motivation could they possibly have? Nuff said.

den -1.5 over OAK

The AFC West is so bad it’s hard to know which was is up when they play each other. Could Josh McDaniels really be 3-0?

AZ -2.5 over ind

Kudos to the league’s best wide receiver making clear he would rather have balls thrown his way than win. Thanks twitter and brother Fitzgerald.

DAL -9 over car

This is where Tony “Rolo Tomasi” shines. In the game that doesn’t matter. Monday night. Dreadful Delhomme. For the record, if Delhomme had quarterbacked the Cowboys on Sunday night versus the Giants, the ‘Boys would have won.